[WP] Your SO gives you a booklet of “sexy coupons” for your anniversary, seemingly unaware that they are magical in nature and will work on anybody. – u/thejetpilotswailed
“I’m so glad you picked this place again! I swear it gets better every year!” My sister Marie, loyal as a golden retriever, holds up her second boot-shaped glass of lager and toasts to my health. “Happy birthday, Anna. We have, uh, forty to sixty more years of these birthdays to look forward to.”
I smile. I feel pretty stupid for the brief visions of surprise birthdays I had on the drive here: concert tickets in the city, maybe. Laser tag. A trip to the sound. Anything besides Ranchos.
I’ve had tex-mex fusion every birthday since the wedding.
“Amen,” my husband Gage nods and clinks his boot glass against hers. They tip their cups back and take a long pull.
I hold up my plastic cup of Diet Coke. “Salud.”
“You’re really gonna stick to soda?” Marie’s boyfriend smiles at me from across the table. “On your birthday?”
My sister is 22 — she’s not married — “not ready to settle down” — so she parades her rotating selection of men through our lives. This one’s two or three months old. Louis. The floater out of Montana. He slouches over the table, looking bored. Marie usually goes for pretty boys so this one took me by surprise. Not sure how he broke her pattern; probably just walked into her life with that easy grin and a charming quip.
“Have to. I work in the morning,” I shrugged.
“Fuck work. Live a little.” Louis pushes his glass towards me. Whiskey on the rocks. I glance over for Gage’s reaction, but he’s caught up in some hysterics with Marie, hashing out an old inside joke for the forty millionth time.
Ice clinks. Louis swirls the glass, whirlpooling the semi-transparent cubes in the amber liquid. “Just a sip,” he smiles.
I feel a blush creep up. It mortifies me, that I can’t behave like an adult under the influence of a helpless crush. I want to down the drink, take his hand, tell him to dance with me even if it’s to this shitty processed country music that plays on a loop here.
My fingers touch the glass.
“Hey, I thought you were driving home,” a sharp nudge in my side. Gage gives the whiskey a meaningful glance.
“C’mon man.” Louis puts his arm around Marie. “Drive your lady home, let your girl have some fun.”
I watch Marie lean into him.
“Anna doesn’t have fun,” Gage tilted his head back, hooting with laughter. He was two boots in at this point. “You should have heard her trying to get out of dinner tonight.”
“Anna!” Marie actually looks offended.
Who would want to miss all of this? The authentic cured log tables and tacky antler chandeliers? The ambiguous tribal rugs draped all over the floor? The jukebox someone had rigged to play every Creedence Clearwater album on? Why the fuck am I the only one who hates this birthday tradition?
“I’m fine,” I say, a little harsher than I meant to. Everyone looks at me like they can tell I’m not fine, but they’re not going to correct me. I reach for something casual to say – literally anything, but my mind goes blank.
“How about we do presents?” Marie says mercifully.
“Before dinner?” Gage says.
She looks anxious. “Why not? If Anna’s up for it…”
“Of course,” I blurt. I’m so done with the awkwardness of the situation. I just want something else for us to fixate on. Marie reaches under the table and brings out a huge wooden box wrapped in recycled paper and tied with a hemp cord. Gage pulls out a small present, messily swaddled in tissue paper. Gee, I wonder what it is.
I have had Rancho’s birthday dinner every year since my wedding. I’ve also gotten the same gift from my husband every time – a homemade coupon book of sexy vouchers. They’re sitting in a pile in my nightstand. So many free backrubs coming, whenever I actually get around to redeeming.
“Mine first,” Marie pushes her box across the table. I rip off the hipster packaging, set her birthday card aside, and hold up the box for inspection. A food processor.
“Wow,” I try. “That is just… so awesome.”
Thank god Marie is oblivious to my shitty gratitude, or she chooses to ignore it. She launches into the story of buying it at Costco after the demonstrator made hummus and at this point I want to drown myself in the whiskey glass. Fuck, I’d even take the boot.
I wait for my sister to take a breath during her fascinating story and jump in. “Gage, babe, what did you get me?”
I know exactly what he got me, but I want to get this show on the road. Louis is practically sleeping in his chair. I should have just insisted on staying in. Fuck birthdays.
“Da-da-da!” Gage produces the tissue-wrapped book to me. I don’t bother guessing, just loosen the ribbon and let the wrapping fall away
It’s a coupon book.
“Shocker,” I mutter, flipping it over in my hands. At least it’s not homemade. Gage actually put down the extra ten bucks to buy a sexy coupon book at a novelty retailer somewhere in the mall. I’m touched.
“You’re nothing if not predictable,” I lean over and peck him on the lips. At least my husband buys me presents.
Still, he looks unhappy. He reaches over, flips the book in my hands. “It’s different — I found it at this wacky shop downtown, the Tantric Sex Emporium, I think? They only had one in stock.” he gabs excitedly like Marie talking about fucking Costco. “The back says it’s designed to help you explore your wants and needs, I was thinking you could, you know..” he trailed off.
“I could what?”
“Well you know how you’re kind of stressed out a lot…”
Marie goes pale. Louis just sits back with a forced casual expression. I know I should drop it, save it for later at least. But I can’t.
“Fucking stressed out? You think I’m stressed out?”
Gage looks terrified. He seems to shrink. I can hear my voice raising to a screech but it’s like a train of words coming out with no breaks.
“I came to fucking dinner tonight, Gage. I celebrated my birthday the way YOU wanted to, just like always. Maybe next year I can contribute. Maybe? You know what?” I stand up and lose my train of thought. Half the restaurant is staring at me, the other half quietly trying to bear it, just like Louis.
Why couldn’t I just fucking stay home tonight?
“I need a minute,” I say. And I don’t wait another second. The bathrooms are by the stage, a set of swinging saloon doors with plastic signs posted. I hurry into the one that reads COWGIRL and find the first empty stall to have a breakdown in. I collapse on the seat and shove the lock over but it doesn’t reach, and the door just lazily drifts open.
“God DAMN it!” I slam my foot into the door. The whole bathroom seems to shudder.
I realize I’m still clutching the stupid fucking coupon book. I’m so tired and done with the evening that I just laugh and start flipping through it.
ONE FREE BACKRUB
An old classic.
SHOWER SEX – DOGGY STYLE
POSITION OF YOUR CHOICE
“Fuck you,” I coil my hand so hard that it hurts. I need to hit something, but it seems stupid. Punch a wall?
I rip the backrub coupon out. It peels off with a satisfying tear. I sit there holding it for a second, feeling pretty dumb, then rip it again. Then I go for another.
ROLEPLAY YOUR WAY
I start tearing by the line, then give up and shred indiscriminately. Vouchers flutter to the tile.
I go to rip it, have my fingers on the edge of the paper, when I stop. Something about the effort of this one tickled me. No worldplay, no innuendo.
I laugh. “PUBLIC FUCK,” I read aloud. The tantric wisdom humbles me.
I thought about Louis and that goddamn smoulder.
How did my sister end up with the better life?
I rip the coupon out of the book. Gage’s are always written on miniature spiral notepads, usually in his sloppy caps writing. These coupons are printed on glossy paper the same size and shape of a checkbook. I tear PUBLIC FUCK neatly along the corrugation. The bathroom seemed like such a good escape plan but now I’m here and I feel even more caged. Why am I hiding in the bathroom for my own birthday?
The fucked up thing, is that Gage is probably right. I do need to chill out, just be grateful that I have family to celebrate with. I could use a good fuck, a stiff drink and a wild night. But I didn’t want to do any of that with my husband.
“Can I take this PUBLIC FUCK with my sister’s boyfriend?” I flapped the coupon, smiling to myself.
Not even a second later the bathroom door swings open.
It startles me, but I shake my head. Just someone using the bathroom. Hope they don’t notice half a book of sex vouchers on the floor. I decide to wait it out.
Then there’s a knock on my stall.
“Taken!” who the fuck didn’t notice me in here?
“Can I come in?” Louis drawls
“It doesn’t lock,” I stand up, reach for the handle. At the same time he pushes his way in. The look on his face cuts me off sharp.
Louis closes the stall behind him. Somehow I don’t need words to know what’s happening. I don’t know if it’s magic or chemistry but I don’t wait for him to initiate. I know what I want.
Louis slams against the stall and I press my body against his hungrily- he’s all lank and lean muscle, his arms coil around me.
For a second I almost hesitate, breathing heavily with my face a few inches from his. I have so many reasons to stop right now. But they’re nothing.
His mouth comes down on mine, hard. Our lips collide. Tongue and teeth connect in a frenzy, then we slow down, and he dips his tongue in my mouth, twisting it around mine. I moan into his throat.
“Fuck,” I coil my fingers around his shirt. He already has me panting. “Fuck, fuck fuck.”
“Shh,” He puts his finger against my lips, then pushes it inside. I suck on it, feel blood rush in him where our bodies are connected. He smiles and leans in and nips my earlobe “Just a sip”
“Fuck that,” I slam him against the stall door again, kiss him needily, sucking his lip. He grabs my ass and pulls me closer. I start to grind on him.
“In a rush?” He whispers. He slides his hand up my shirt, but not far enough. His hands feel cool on my skin, but I’m burning like fire.
“I fucking need you,” my voice is hoarse. I slip my hand against his stomach, feel the muscles tightening underneath his skin. I slide my hand lower, toying with the waistband of his boxers. I’m trying to restrain myself from dropping to my knees, I have no idea how far this is supposed to go. Just when I think about shutting it down he stops playing with my nipples and slides his hand into my jeans.
My hips buck. “This is so fucked,” I pant, rubbing myself against his hand. He smiles again. Puts his hand in my panties. The second his fingers slide against my pussy I moan so loud that he puts two fingers in my mouth to keep me quiet. He pins me against the stall and squeezes a finger inside me.
“Fuck, you’re tight,” he groans. Another finger goes in. I fuck his fingers, desperately gyrating my hips. The playful look goes from his face, replaced by an intense, primal stare. He needs me.
I slip onto my knees without another word. Louis looks thrown, but I put my finger to my lips and reach for his belt. He doesn’t argue as I loosen it and tug his dress pants down. The size of the bulge in his boxers makes my mouth go dry. For a second I just rub it over his boxers, pang after pang of pleasure throbbing me. I never wanted someone this bad.
I tease him like this, touching him just one layer away from his skin, until he gets impatient and tugs his boxers down, letting his cock spring out. I put him in my mouth he leans his head back, panting.
“I can’t fucking take this anymore,” he says finally, and pulls me to my feet. “Bend over,” he tells me.
“Should we be doing this?” I pant, staring at his cock in my hand.
He hesitates, staring at me with an agonized expression. “It’s on you.”
Gage was probably still at the table, therapizing me with my own sister.
“Fuck me,” I said.
He didn’t need more encouragement. I blushed, pulled my panties down with my shorts. I felt exposed and naked in a way that set me on fire. I barely knew Louis but he was so intense. The second my panties slipped over my pussy lips he groaned again. “You look so fucking good.”
It sends a heat wave through me, and out of impulse I lean in and kiss him again. But he returns it greedily, pushing me back against the stall. I feel his hand on my thigh, hoisting my leg over his shoulder. THen I feel him brush the head of his cock against my pussy lips. I’m so wet that he accidentally slips inside and we both groan in suprise. Once he’s in, Louis seems to lose control, though, slamming the rest of his cock all the way inside me. I yelp involuntarily, filled too tight in a way that was good, too good. I buck against him, panting as I get used to the size, feeling a familiar tension coil inside me like a knot. Louis slowed for a moment, breathing hard.
“Don’t fucking stop,” I plead with him. The animalistic look overtakes him again. He grabs my hips and fucks me hard against the stall. We go at it until I hear the door open again.
Gage. Oh, fuck
“Are you in here? We need to talk.”
Oh, fuck. I cast a desperate look back at Louis, who’s still inside me.
“Look I don’t know what you’re doing back here. I know you’re mad. But everythings over. Marie went home, she doesn’t know where Louis went. Will you please just come home with me?”
Louis spread my ass and bounced my pussy back against him. I bit my lip.
“Anna?” there’s a knock at our stall.
“I need a minute,” I say back breathlessly.
“Can you please come out?” Gage sounds relieved. Blissfully unaware that my sister’s boyfriend is railing me from behind over the bathroom stall.
I want to answer, want to explain myself somehow. But then the knot coiling inside me gets tighter and I lose my breath. Then Louis slips his finger in my mouth again, pulls it out wet, and stuffs two fingers in my asshole.
I’m pretty sure my marriage ended the second I came, mewling Louis’ name as my pussy grinded back against him. I lock down around him and cum harder than I have in five years. Louis can’t hold back any longer and starts slamming me agaist the stall so hard the whole bathroom shakes. I feel him tense and stop all at once, bucking inside me. He lets out a shuddering groan and finally pulls out, covered in my cum and his. I’ve never let anyone cum inside me before and it was fucking hot.
Gage isn’t in the bathroom when I exit the stall. Nor do I find him in the restaurant. He didn’t pay the bill, which is understandable, and he didn’t return my phone calls for a month.
When he finally did, the only thing he said was “it’s over.”